Storytelling Unit - First draft of 'The Meeting'

I received my first draft back from Simon and was kind of unhappy with the results I got back.

Here is my marking sheet and marked first draft.

               

From what I got from my feedback I understand where I went wrong. First of all I added too much information on what the mum was doing in between the story, instead of focusing it on the meeting between the boy and dad. I also made the mistake of having the actual meeting happen at the end of the script instead of the middle. By having the meeting at the end of my story made it have a lot of build up before then.

I need to go through my script make a couple of grammar changes and also take out the parts that are not needed. I then need to look into the story and think about the ending as well as add a bit more and change parts to the meeting of the boy and dad.